Future Perfect

It's strange to think how two people at completely opposite ends of a situation view events.

I received an e-mail today from the director of graduate studies at U. of South Carolina. She said they were making their graduate admissions decisions soon and they had not yet received my letters of recommendation. Of course they hadn't received them because Murphy's Law was acting in full force, as it usually does with situations as important as graduate school applications. I promptly replied to her message and said that I sent them with the packet that was mailed directly to the graduate school (as opposed to the Anthropology Department, which received a separate packet) but that I was have my two referees (they're really called that, apparently) send two more.

In my eyes, somebody had fucked up...bad. I considered the absolute worst case scenario: that I had included my SC letters in the William & Mary envelope. Unlikely. I made sure each envelope was perfect and one hundred percent complete. They didn't go in the U. of South Florida envelope because Dr. Simmons discussed his letter in person with the people making the final decision. Second worst case scenario, I misinterpreted the website and sent the letters to The Graduate School when I should have sent them to the Anthropology Department. Unlikely as well. The website clearly states I am to send only my writing sample and letter of intent to the anthro department. I even included a typed note in that packet that explained that I was unable to get copies of the letters mailed to the department, as they had recommended but not required. Least worse case scenario, The Graduate School misplaced them after taking them out of the big envelope, in which case I am relieved of all fault but still have the burden of asking Simmons and McCall for another copy of the letters.

You don't understand until you're in such a situation. I printed my letter of intent for William & Mary at least ten times before sending a copy, but I hadn't made any changes to the actual letter. "Wait, there's a smudge right there, can't send this printout. Shit, the corner of this copy has a slight dog-ear, might as well have a coffee stain on it. Damnit, this copy actually does have a coffee stain! Ah, finally! A perfect copy!"

To the graduate director at South Carolina, I simply need to have two more copies of my letters sent. If anything, her message meant that I was definitely not rejected yet. And it wouldn't take Dr. Simmons and Dr. McCall two seconds to print another copy and mail it. But to me, in my unstable state as a potential graduate student floating between two worlds it's everything. My future lies in the balance here, and everyone must be perfect. Right? The thing that bothers me about the whole situation is that I worry too much, and I know in the back of my mind that it does no good to worry. It doesn't change anything. They don't know that I check my mailbox every afternoon or the online status twice a day. I need to stop thinking about it, because what happens will happen. It's just as if my nerves have been strung at a five-year-old's birthday party and beaten with sticks as if there's candy lodged in my stomach.

Especially in the past few months I've consciously tried to live my life without letting the little things get to me. Graduate school admission is a big thing but the tiny events that lead up to it are insignificant. I have to look at the big picture, not the constituent parts that compose it. I try to do this in every aspect of my life as well. If I hit a bump in the road, I keep going and try not to let it affect me. It does far more harm if I let it get to me than if I just accept any consequences and move on. It's similar to students that get below a 90 on a test and freak out. I've never done that because one grade means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Several bad grades together can kill your course grade and GPA, but alone they are relatively insignificant.

It takes hard work to live like that and keep moving when small things happen. It is easy to be thrown off balance by your potential graduate school telling you they don't have one of the most important parts of your application. There's no logical reason to get thrown off, though. The fact that the South Carolina grad director wrote me means that they want me to send them in again and get it right, and that whose ever fault it is, it wont have an effect on their decision. That's a somewhat comforting thought.

I've started to view life like one of those big pictures that are made up of tiny little pictures. The different colors and shadows of each tiny picture, when viewed from a distance combine to make one large image. Some of my "tiny pictures" are dark, some are bright. But no matter how you look at it, each has shaped who I am now and how others view me and to change any one of them would be to alter my whole being.