The lights go down.

Lots of mixed feelings at the moment: happiness, nervousness, relief, anticipation, and excitement to name the top five. Most of them have to do with one thing: graduate school. I have sent of my applications to three schools that I want to go to: College of William & Mary, University of South Carolina, and University of South Florida. Although William & Mary is my top choice, I would be happy with any one of these choices. The feelings mentioned above are the result of literally having my entire future "out there." I finished mailing off the last of the applications last week and it's literally out of my hands now. My future lies in the decision of a handful of academics who will decide if I am worthy enough to study at their respective institution of higher learning. I've been told by a few people that I have nothing to worry about. Only a slight consolation. It almost feels like that separately, my grades, GRE scores, and GPA are mediocre. When taken into account together and with my letters of recommendation, coursework, and presiding over the Crew Club I have a very strong application pack. So the sense of nervousness comes from whether or not those academics will see what I see. I'm one hundred percent positive that I would be able to complete a Master's degree at any one of the schools, it's just up to them to come to that conclusion as well. But I have decided that at this point, it all depends on my competition.

Aside from the whole "getting accepted" thing, what makes me nervous as well is moving away, starting in a new town, meeting an entirely new group of peers, and otherwise functioning on a completely different level, one that I've dabbled in but still have alot to learn about. That level is academia. Once in graduate school, I'm no longer a "student" of the faculty but a peer. While they will instruct me, they will be more my mentors than anything, guiding me in the process of developing a research thesis completely derived from my own interests and abilities. There is no sheet that lists ten topics where I pick one and write about it. This is my opportunity to actually contribute to the field of anthropology with a fresh and unique perspective. I know I sound like a course catalog here but it's the truth. I feel like that all through high school and even college, I've just been plowing on, learning facts and theories and how OTHER people apply them to the real world. Although I've definitely been challenged in my university career, I have not had the opportunity to contribute to the field as I want to do so badly. That is the whole point of graduate school, and the most exciting part. But nervousness once again shows its ugly face. Will I be able to come up with my own original ideas that actually matter? Should I even worry about becoming the next James Deetz or Jared Diamond? Perhaps not, but it's something to strive for. And as I said in my last post, to not have lofty dreams is to do mediocre work. The one comforting fact in this whole matter is that my mind is unique to that of Jared Diamond and it would be wrong to try and follow in his footsteps, especially in a field such as anthropology or any humanity for that matter.

I can compare the past four years of my life and my future to a rock concert. When you arrive at the venue, the curtain is down and there's an intense amount of excitement brewing in your stomach. You're here to see your favorite band, but realize that you have to sit through one or two opening acts. The curtain comes up for the opening band. You're a little pumped at first but soon realize they suck so you get bored. The name of this band is High School. The curtain goes back down and you know the next band, College, will be on soon. You wait for thirty minutes, an hour. You know the roadies are hard at work behind the curtain, setting up the stage to enable the band to give you a spectacular show. The lights go black. The screaming starts, the hands go in the air, the crowd lurches forward toward the stage but you don't care that a fat, sweaty, drunk man with no shirt on is pressing up against you. You look around and realize that you're lost in a sea of nameless faces, all here for the same reason. That is the only thing you have in common with them.

This is the point where I am at now in the rock concert that is my life. The college years are those few moments before the curtain goes up for the main act, when you're lost in a sea of nameless faces. Graduate school, your opportunity to shine, is right behind that curtain, waiting to rock your face off...

....To be continued (in 2-3 years).